Panoramic sightseeing tours

“Panoramic” is cruise speak for “you will view key attractions exclusively from inside a bus.” You might want to see that historic cathedral interior or step outside to enjoy the scenic overlook. However, if you prefer to spend more time on the ground than inside a coach, avoid any tour with “panoramic sightseeing,” “island tour” or “[destination] by coach” in the title.

Most shore excursion descriptions will tell you how much time you’ll spend at each attraction, so look for those clues to ensure you’re actually experiencing the sites you want to see.

Note that you should ignore this advice if you have mobility challenges; these sightseeing tours are a great way to see the top sights without worrying about navigating cobblestone streets or stairs.

Tourist trains and trams

Unless you’re cruising with Thomas the Tank Engine-obsessed toddlers, please maintain your dignity and avoid the tourist trains and trams that chug around cruise destinations. I’m not talking about actual scenic railways; I’m talking about the cutesy painted miniature locomotives pulling open-air carriages through the streets of places like the Royal Dockyard in Bermuda, Belize City and Piraeus, Greece.

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Frankly, it’s embarrassing and tags you as a clueless American tourist. Hop-on, hop-off coach tours are much preferred for easy transportation between key tourist attractions.

All-day marathon tours

I’d love to see the Yukon. However, I have no interest in taking a seven-hour tour that combines a trip on the White Pass & Yukon Route Railway into British Columbia, a bus ride to the border of the Yukon and then another bus ride down the Klondike Highway back to Skagway. It’s too much sitting.

I have done the marathon tour from Livorno to Florence in Italy, and I can assure you that I fell asleep exhausted on the coach ride back every time.

All-day marathon tours might be the only way to cram everything you want to see into your one day in port. However, the breakneck pace might not be worth the sore feet, missed ship dinner and information overload. Worse, sometimes these long tours involve more driving than sightseeing.

Short tours with a long transit

In a similar vein, and with a nod to the Cake song, any tour that spends more time in transit than at the actual tour destination might not be the best use of your time. If you’re going to schlep out somewhere on a day trip, you want it to be worth your while. Otherwise, you might get more value from staying closer to port to sightsee, shop and dine on your own.

Museum tours

Do you take tours of museums when you’re home? No. You simply go to the museum, perhaps pick up an audio guide and wander through on your own. So, why would you take a tour of a museum on a cruise?

Unless you need a tour for transportation, skip the overpriced shore excursion and head to that museum of interest on your own. You can spend as much or as little time in the rooms that interest you, and you can skip around large groups crowding a particular artwork or display. You also don’t have to reduce yourself to meekly following behind a sign-toting guide. You can usually find English-language audio tours if you need more information or can’t read the display signs.

Beach breaks

Do you want to go to the beach? Hail a cab, and go to the beach. The locals know that cruisers want to go to the beach, and you’ll find shuttles, trams and vans all waiting to take you to the beach and back. You don’t need a tour to get there.

Similarly, if you want to spend the day at a local resort, using its beach, pool and facilities, you can often find cheaper options if you book through the property directly rather than via your ship’s shore excursion desk. Just check to see if transportation is included and factor in the price of a taxi if it’s not.

Shopping tours

The same mindset applies to shopping tours. If you want to go shopping, all you need to do is walk off the cruise ship. If there aren’t a bevy of souvenir and jewelry shops right at the port, you’ll be able to find plenty in town. It’s rare that a shopping tour is going to take you to special or local secret galleries where you can find amazing art or spectacular buys.

Are you a shopaholic or a connoisseur of a particular product? Your best bet is to do your research in advance, find the shops or galleries you wish to visit and take a taxi or hire a private guide to take you to the merchants you most want to see.

Booze cruises

I’m a huge fan of catamaran sails — getting out on the water to feel the breeze in your hair and watch the scenery go by, maybe getting in some snorkeling or beach time. However, I avoid any shore tour labeled “party cruise” or “open bar” like the plague.

If you’re choosing a tour because you want to snorkel or see the sunset over the water, know that someone on the boat is bound to over-imbibe, become belligerent or end up barfing because they don’t know when to stop with the free rum punch.

Looking for a party? Have at it. Just be careful because those fruity drinks are stronger than they taste; the heat, alcohol and sugar combination makes for a wild time with some consequences. Do you really want to miss the next port or ship nightlife because you’re hungover from your tour?

Glass-bottom boat rides

I admit — I went on an amazing semi-submersible ride in Maui, where we actually saw incredible sea life. All the other glass-bottom boat rides and “submarine” tours I’ve done have been murky and unimpressive.

Unless you’re claustrophobic, it can’t hurt to try, but the chances of you having an amazing underwater experience on one of these tours are low. If you cannot snorkel or scuba dive, you might prefer to try your luck with a land-based tour.

Tours involving maltreated animals

You might have a life goal to swim with dolphins or ride on an elephant, but please do not support any organization that does not treat their animals well. If you can’t verify that the animals are getting superb care, avoid shore excursions that have you interacting with captive wild animals.

Any tour you’re not fit for

Haven’t gotten on a bike in years? Now is not the time to book that cycling tour through Valencia, Spain, or go speeding 25 miles down the Haleakala volcano in Maui. Have mobility issues? A walking tour through a cobblestoned old town is not for you. Afraid of heights? Whatever you do, do not zip line.

The person you wish you were (or the strapping youth you once were) will not be taking the tour — only you in your current level of health and fitness. Avoid any shore excursions you can’t handle, and you will be much happier with your time spent in port rather than at the local hospital.

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